Jack Benny

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

— Jack Benny

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

— Jack Benny

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit…

— Jack Benny

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

— Jack Benny

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if…

— Jack Benny

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

— Jack Benny

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked…

— Jack Benny

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've…

— Jack Benny

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I…

— Jack Benny

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

— Jack Benny

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

— Jack Benny

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

— Jack Benny

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

— Jack Benny

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

— Jack Benny

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration,…

— Jack Benny

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

— Jack Benny

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere

— Jack Benny

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the…

— Jack Benny