“Dear world, my friends, my family, everyone else I love,I have been thinking of this for quite a while… I realized this… Right now, nothing seems possible for me... Every time, I try to gain something good for the benefit of others as well as myself... I always fail. Whenever I try to make things up and hopefully be loved again by a certain person, I just miserably fail... (And don't give me that oh I'm just trying to get attention or get people to symphasize and pity and all that bullshit... I don't want to hear it!) All I'm doing is I'm trying to say something out of truth in hopes that someone may read and know what happened here... but I don't care if that never happens... It's not like I expected anyone to give a flip about a 18 year old hopeless and unloved wretch like myself. I've tried to fight off this so called depression and failed miserably… On top of that, my best friend doesn't want to even be friends with me and she and I had great things together. Then it turned upside down, she called me all kinds of stuff, said my voice was annoying, that I was boring, and that I never cared and only wanted to talk talk on… all kinds of stuff... that really tore down my self-esteem... Then I've been in a bad relationship that was on and off and peaceful then a civil war the next… it continued on that pattern for God knows how long... I eventually started being convinced that I always meant to be the one at the fucking bottom... always the bad guy. I was treated like a goddamn scapegoat when I had done no wrong. I was always the social pariah to her and maybe quite some of her friends too. Always misunderstood. Can't you see that I tried to make peace!? I only got bullets for my white flag that I was waving... Shit. Anyways, so as the relationship continued, it got worse... I was criticized harshly at almost every turn and moment, shunned, and even avoided... So I thought to myself... What the hell does it matter if I did any good? It wouldn't make any difference... It will all be just the same... I'll always be at the fucking bottom of the system... So I decided (as the wretch that I am) to escape by all kinds of things, alcohol and little affairs included and flirting here and there... I just felt so trapped and alone that I felt I had to do those things in order to be loved and accepted somewhere. It worked for a while... and I have been doing that shit in my current relationship for quite a few times now... Then I got found out and she decided to never forgive me and her trust was all lost… But what could I fucking do!? I was trapped in a system where I never belonged anyway, so what was the point to do good if it never paid the hell off? I have been fighting depression and been into alcohol for quite a while now... After a heated and saddened talk of me trying to explain myself and trying to apologize and find a way to make it up to her, she seemed so cold that I felt despair so I told her I would kill myself then cause there was no chance at all I would ever be loved or trusted ever again or accepted back cause I was the bad guy, the loser. Eventually though, she just switched to saying things were gonna be okay and there would always be chances... What a way to deceive me into thinking I could make peace with you... I just went back to my good old self before all this happened and I tried to be as good as I could, to find someway to make it up to you and gain forgiveness and trust back as it is sacred... But as time wore on and I used all the time and opportunity to show I changed and moved on... You never would seem to let it go... That's when I realized that I in turn was still going to be the person I never wanted to be.. The bad guy, the crook, the social pariah, the lowest of the low, scum... She would probably even hold this against me forever I thought with no hope in sight. But I never wanted to get into this shit!!!! I never freaking wanted to... All I wanted was to love, play, be happy, live out my life and dreams... Not any of this! I had good dreams and goals too, I guess I'm not going to be good enough to reach those either... I messed up too much and made too many mistakes to have my life any good at all. I don't have a wonderful life, I have a terrible life. And all this will probably continue for the rest of my life and I'll never be forgiven and loved... be in this prison for the rest of my life... So I figured, what's the point to go on then... I have already messed everything up… Why should I still live like this? I'll never be accepted back by anyone cause all those negative people were right... I was going to lose and now I have. Amaya (Wikka) was that girl also talked about in that one relationship and she gets to live the life I now miss and will never have again: plenty of friends, an internet star, a social star, a fucking superpower, a new and better boyfriend and lover than I could ever be in her life, a great comfy cool room, all kinds of gadgets, on t”
