Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share
