I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
