I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school ... Technical high school, that's where dreams… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. — Louis C. K Copy Share
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to… — Louis C. K Copy Share
I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That's… — Louis C. K Copy Share
“You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away. The ability… — Louis C. K Copy Share
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share
I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning. — Louis C. K Copy Share
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I… — Louis C. K Copy Share
“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing… — Louis C. K Copy Share
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way… — Louis C. K Copy Share
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself… — Louis C. K Copy Share
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot… — Louis C. K Copy Share
If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the… — Louis C. K Copy Share
