When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away." — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Trump will not respond to reasoned argument. He will not be held accountable for the things he said. All you can do… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The interesting thing about fake news and fake media is that it's a heresy against reality. Again, as a Catholic, I was… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There once was a man name Barack, Whose re-election came as a shock. He raised the taxes I pay, And then turned… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
![“President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of…” quote by Stephen Colbert](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/930/stephen-colbert-503_america_president-bush-has-embarked-on-an-eight_1657896.jpg)
