You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I always worry when someone's a good golfer. It's like you shouldn't have time to be good at anything. You should just… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
...we should be grateful for them because without our family—the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Do you live each day as if it's your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing. Chances are, if you… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
The definition of success changes. Success is to live your life with integrity and not give in to peer pressure to be… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if it's your last because that… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
...To be honest, I'd be the last person who should be doling out gardeinng advice. I don't have the patience for growing… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
People love their animals so much so that they put little clothes on them and necklaces and booties and things like that.… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I have a terrible problem with procrastination. A friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought about it,… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I wanted to have money; I wanted to be special; I wanted people to like me; I wanted to be famous. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
I think what saved me is me being honest. I think I somewhow had the courage to do something and say something that I… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
I had done a sitcom and a movie and hosted the Emmys, and all of a sudden, I lost everything. As someone put it… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy for yourself and yourself. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Save a life this Thanksgiving, and join me in starting a new tradition by adopting a turkey instead of eating one through Farm Sanctuary's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One time in high school. Three times in my twenties. Rocks no salt. Yes. Four. Never.… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Actually this is really funny - one time she accidentally forgot to leave a note and I had no idea she had even moved.… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
A circus! 100 clowns of injustice have climbed out of the tiny clown car of this court room. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Gratitude is looking on the brighter side of the life, even if it means hurting your eyes. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
The legend goes that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I was thinking... that must be hard to put all the tiny… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share
