I call people 'captain' a lot and it makes them feel special. Until they hear me using it for everyone, that is. — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
If you can help it, don't be rude to people. When you're rude about someone and the audience laugh you can't deny… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who write blogs and have children. You can't stop in the middle of bathtime and say: 'I'm just… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I don't just like to use punchlines anymore, especially in arenas. They freak me out. There is nothing worse than 15,000 people… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy is what I do, and it's so rewarding. If you write a joke and tell it to an audience of… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I always used to want everyone to like me, because it used to hurt so much when people made snidey comments or… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I like the stage lights to be bright so I can't see people because I will inevitably only see the ones who… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
Sometimes I worry about things changing and people not liking me any more. As a comedian you do feel like you're walking… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
People have their special room for Christmas. One year my mum left her present on the arm of the sofa and it… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I think actually performing on stage when everyone's facing you and you're one person facing them, that is quite a lonely thing… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I had some terrible times - comparatively speaking. I saddled myself with a load of debt, I wasn't liked by a lot… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We're just trying to… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I don't want a chat show or to be on telly every day, as that's not my business; my business is standing… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
Coming up with your own opinion is hard. When I go to see a movie I don't really know if I enjoyed… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
The last thing you want is for people not to care about what you have to say. — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
The people who don't like me are completely irrelevant to me, just as I'm irrelevant to them. — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
The world is in a bit of a state. I don't know how it's happened so quickly but everyone's a bit on… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
If I'm honest, I think everything is funny. You've just got to find the right way in. When I'm at my happiest and when… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I had some terrible times - comparatively speaking. I saddled myself with a load of debt, I wasn't liked by a lot of my… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
If you can help it, don't be rude to people. When you're rude about someone and the audience laugh you can't deny that it's… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I've got a little baby, I made him...He doesn't speak, he's 2...He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words...car and map...I'm slightly worried… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I don't want a chat show or to be on telly every day, as that's not my business; my business is standing in front… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
I do speak well as I went to a posh school. But I come from no real breeding. — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
Sometimes it's difficult to laugh at certain things but comedy can help. — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
Hard audiences tend to be when it's all men. It's when businesses have dos where they're at conferences all day then book a comedian… — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
