“flanked by two incredibly bulky nurses who dwarfed her. One nurse had a black eye, and ‘LOVE’ and ‘HATE’ tattooed on her knuckles. The other had a tattoo of a spider’s web on her neck and what looked like stubble… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
Definitely I love women, I love being around women, I find them incredible and intoxicating, and I've never had that feeling I get with… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
I have a pathological fear of being on my own. When I'm with my own thoughts, I start to unravel myself, and I start… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
I was depressed as a child. I found it hard to make friends. My favourite thing was locking myself in the bathroom and practising… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
“Alberta thought for a moment, and took a live mouse out of her pocket by its tail before dropping it into Wagner’s mouth. The… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
Writing for radio really focuses the mind, because you can't rely on thinking "Oh, just pull a funny face at the end of this… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
There's something about being a comedian that means you have to not be scared of failing because failing is part of the process. — David Walliams Copy Share Image
“nashin awa wi their een watterin. But naebody wis aw that freendly tae him. Naebody stapped for a blether.” — David Walliams Copy Share Image
People think writing a children's book is something you could do in an afternoon but it's actually really hard. — David Walliams Copy Share Image
I think most people that do comedy write for themselves. I don't think there is any other way you can do it, really. Otherwise… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
No more watching that show Small England or whatever it's called where those two idiots dress up as 'laydees'. It's a bad influence. — David Walliams Copy Share Image
“One boy dropped his trousers and did an almighty—!” “I don’t need to know, thank you!” replied Stella, cutting the boy off.” — David Walliams Copy Share Image
“They may have only had one pence to spend, but their hearts beamed with gold.” — David Walliams Copy Share Image
