I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
