My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? — Jackie Mason Copy Share
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives. — Jackie Mason Copy Share
Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton. — Jackie Mason Copy Share
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen. — Jackie Mason Copy Share
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why! — Jackie Mason Copy Share
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . .… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
