I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche. — Dave Attell Copy Share
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a… — Dave Attell Copy Share
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Copy Share
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one… — Dave Attell Copy Share
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Copy Share
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a… — Dave Attell Copy Share
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician… — Dave Attell Copy Share
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Copy Share
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on… — Dave Attell Copy Share
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when… — Dave Attell Copy Share
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big… — Dave Attell Copy Share
