I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me. — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
If you think you're having a bad day just picture a T-Rex trying to masturbate. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You just sit home and masturbate. The phone is going to ring soon, but you just can't wait. — Billy Joel Copy Share Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The spirits of your dead ancestors are watching you masturbate.” — Whiskey Britches Copy Share Image
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm pretty sure my grandmom watches over me whenever I masturbate. The sound of that walker is so unbearable. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“They had talked about doing audio man on man fiction at one time, but they realized that neither of them would be… — Brandon Shire Copy Share Image
It was one of those days when every time I went to go out the door, something grabbed me in the back… — Jonathan Ames Copy Share Image
Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes… — Anna Kendrick Copy Share Image
Ultimately, of what possible social significance is it if a person likes to masturbate over a shoe? It may even be non-consensual,… — Gayle Rubin Copy Share Image
“Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“When you were little and you were afraid of the boogey man, getting under the covers meant he couldn't see you or… — Tara Sivec Copy Share Image
Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year… — Will Self Copy Share Image
Good old Pete. That's me. But I find it hard to think of myself in the first person when I'm writing about… — Pete Townshend Copy Share Image
I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear… — Zach Braff Copy Share Image
“There will be others, many others. You’ll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
Statistics say that 95% of the men masturbate. The rest 5% are liars. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Motivation is bullshit, what you need to do is masturbate that is doing something. — Jeremy Limn Copy Share Image
I masturbate to a microwave timer just for the excitement of a buzzer beater. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Choosing not to masturbate is like owning a playground but never playing on it. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
