Humor Quotes by Stephen King

“You ought to sue that son of a whore”

— Stephen King

“Case fuckin closed.”

— Stephen King

A dimwit thinks nothing is funny unless it's mean.

— Stephen King

“I’m going crazy, Louis thought wonderingly. Wheeeeee!”

— Stephen King

“When the blood came out of my mouth I could taste my own shit.”

— Stephen King

“PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!”

— Stephen King

“Hey, Trash, what did old lady Semple say when you torched her pension check?”

— Stephen King

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

— Stephen King

“Friendships founded on laughter are always fortuitous.”

— Stephen King

“Even if it's a witty, singing and dancing turd, it's still a turd.”

— Stephen King

“To the champ, everything is serious business. I'm hoping that he'll live long enough to learn that in this world that is…

— Stephen King

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

— Stephen King

“The Disney parks are scripted, and I hate that. Hate it. I think what they are doing down there in Orlando is…

— Stephen King

“I know they say that a stiff dick has no conscience, but I tell you now that some cunts have teeth...”

— Stephen King

“That thing about don't look up here, you're pissing on your shoes, for instance, was that humor? Or a growl of rage?…

— Stephen King

“I pointed at Wireman's forehead. "This is your brain," I said. Then I pointed at my easel. "This is your brain on…

— Stephen King

“Pam's father had been diagnosed with rectal cancer. It didn't surprise me. Put a bunch of white assholes together and you're going…

— Stephen King

“Dad-a-jum, dad-a-jiggers, goddam lobsters bit off your fingers," King said, and actually laughed.”

— Stephen King

“Say, darling, I'm giving you this wonderful present, it's a machine that eats at one end and shits out the other, it's…

— Stephen King

“When you're twenty-one, life is a roadmap. It's only when you get to twenty-five or so that you begin to suspect you've…

— Stephen King

“The adult was Eric "Rusty" Everett, thirty-seven, a physician's assistant working with Dr. Ron Haskell, whom Rusty often thought of as The…

— Stephen King

American grammar doesn't have the sturdiness of British grammar (a British advertising man with a proper education can make magazine copy for…

— Stephen King

“I’ll be back as quick as I can,” I said awkwardly. “Sure.” “Stay cool.” “Don’t worry, I’m not going to punch anybody.”…

— Stephen King

Laughter... is like a hurricane: once it reaches a certain point, it becomes self-feeding, self-supporting. You laugh not because the jokes are…

— Stephen King

“The newest animal Route 5 had used up, it seemed, was my daughter’s beloved pet. We buried Smucky in the pet sematary.…

— Stephen King

“You’re a goddam funny kid, Clivey,” he said. “I got sixteen grandchildren, and there’s only two of em that I think is…

— Stephen King

“Bill nodded, but he didn’t look hopeful. “The H-H-Himalayans had a rih-hi-hitual to g-get rih-rid of i-i-it, but ih-it’s pretty gruh-gruh-gruesome.” They…

— Stephen King

“I have seen many cases like N. during the five years I've been in practice. I sometimes picture these unfortunates as men…

— Stephen King

There is a relationship between humor and fear. Think of all the gags you ever heard that have to do with dismemberment,…

— Stephen King

“By now I am sure you have guessed Peter's plan of escape, because you know a good deal more than Peyna did…

— Stephen King

When machines fail, when technology fails, when the conventional religion fails, people have got to have something. Even a zombin lurching through…

— Stephen King

“...it was another year or two before I discovered that drat and draft were different words. During that same period I remember…

— Stephen King

“You got style, you got class, you got the lips to kiss my ass.”

— Stephen King

“Molly was a helluva nice girl, but her fried eggs looked like broiled assholes.”

— Stephen King

“That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.”

— Stephen King

“Abrakadabra, und alles verwandelt sich in einen großen Haufen Scheiße.”

— Stephen King

“Tell him to shut up! Tell him there's no crying in baseball!”

— Stephen King

“I'm going out for a bottle of champagne. We're going to get bombed.”

— Stephen King

“Beware the dark stranger! He rides a unicycle!”

— Stephen King

“Luck was a joke. Even good luck was just bad luck with its hair combed.”

— Stephen King