Skip to content

Humor Quotes by J.K. Rowling

39 Humor quotes by J.K. Rowling

All Humor quotes J.K. Rowling’s page

J.K. Rowling mixes magic with humor, turning threats into punchlines. She jokes about killing Mundungus, about brooms that are too risky, and about spells that turn ears into kumquats. Her characters also use witty sayings like ‘Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.’

Rate this collection: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet

“Colin, I fell! It was brilliant!”

Image

“I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF!”

Image

“STUDENTS OUT OF BED! STUDENTS OUT OF BED IN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR!”

Image

“Oh, I'm going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!”

Image

“Ask us no questions and we’ll tell you no lies.”

Image

“According to the magazine, if you turned the runes on their heads they revealed a spell to make your enemy's ears into…

Image

“Yeah, but the lost diadem," said Michael Corner, rolling his eyes, "is lost , Luna. That's sort of the point.”

Image

“Nie wierzę! Nie wierzę! Och, Ron, to cudownie! 'Prefekt! Jak każdy w tej rodzinie!' A ja i Fred to co, jesteśmy tylko…

Image

“You don’t want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out,” said Fred, also beaming. “There might be…

Image

“Well, I dreamed I was playing Quidditch the other night,' said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. 'What…

Image

“No,” said Hermione shortly. “Have either of you seen my copy of Numerology and Gramatica ?” “Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for…

Image

“Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?" "I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said…

Image

“She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever…

Image

“ Jiggery pokery !” said Harry in a fierce voice. “ Hocus pocus — squiggly wiggly —” “MUUUUUUM!” howled Dudley, “He’s doing you know what!”

Image

“Samantha sometimes found Miles absurd and, increasingly, dull. Every now and then, though, she enjoyed his pomposity in precisely the same spirit…

Image

“Myrtle goggled at them. "You're alive," she said blankly to Harry. "There's no need to sound so disappointed," he said grimly... "Oh,…

Image

“Hermione launched herself forwards and started punching every inch of him that she could reach. 'Ouch — ow — gerroff! What the…

Image

“A week after Fred and George's departure, Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier,…

Image

“I'm Draco Malfoy, I'm Draco, I'm on your side!" Draco was on the upper landing, pleading with another masked Death Eater. Harry…

Image

“Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him. 'Mum! I can't give a professor love !'…

Image

“Dudley had been accepted at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings...Harry, on the other hand, was going to Stonewall High, the local…

Image

“That was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson we've ever had, wasn't it?" said Ron... "He seems like a very…

Image

“I knew it! I knew it! ” “Are we allowed to speak yet?” said Ron grumpily. Hermione ignored him. “Nicolas Flamel,” she…

Image

“Beds empty! No note! Car gone — could have crashed — out of my mind with worry — did you care? —…

Image

“I’ve got two Neptunes here,” said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, “that can’t be right, can…

Image

“You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying,…

Image

“Half an hour later, each of them had been given a complicated circular chart, and was attempting to fill in the position…

Image

“Who're you going with, then?" said Ron. "Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment. "What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've…

Image

“If you think I'm going to let six people risk their lives - !' 'because it's the first time for all of…

Image

“Bubotubers,” Professor Sprout told them briskly. “They need squeezing. You will collect the pus —” “The what ?” said Seamus Finnigan, sounding…

Image

“Trained in combat?" repeated Harry incredulously. "What does he think we're doing here, forming some sort of wizard army?" "That's exactly what…

Image

“I don’t believe him,” said Hermione in a very unsteady voice, the moment they were out of earshot of Hagrid. “I don’t…

Image

“D'you know what that - (he called Snape something that made Hermoine say "Ron!")" - is making me do? I've got to…

Image

“You’re JOKING!” said Fred Weasley loudly. The tension that had filled the Hall ever since Moody’s arrival suddenly broke. Nearly everyone laughed,…

Image

“They could hear people complaining; one surly voice said, "I can't see no gas..." "That's because it's colorless," said Ginny in a…

Image

“Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!” And she sprinted away, up the stairs.…

Image

“Silence!' said Snape coldly. 'What have you done with the car?' Ron gulped. This wasn't the first time Snape had given Harry…

Image

“This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making , is it, Potter?” “Yes,” said Harry, still breathing hard. “You’re quite sure of that,…

Image

“You'll write to me, won't you?" Albus asked his parents immediately, capitalizing on the momentary absence of his brother. "Every day, if…

Image

Other authors on Humor

More by J.K. Rowling

“Our Chasers Aren’t Cheating! That was the stunned reaction of Quidditch fans across Britain last night when the so-called “Stooging Penalty” was announced by…

“Snape pointed at the parchment, on which the words of Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs were still shining.”

“Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus [ never tickle a sleeping dragon ]”

“An intense cold swept over them all. Harry felt his own breath catch in his chest. The cold went deeper than his skin. It…

“If you're not Gryffindor, we'll disinherit you," said Ron, "but no pressure." "Ron!" Lily and Hugo laughed, but Albus and Rose looked solemn. "He…

“You want to give it a look, Xeno is printing all the stuff the Prophet’s ignoring, not a single mention of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks in…

“He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Sellotape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.”

“Sybill Trelawney, Divination teacher,’” Harry read. “How’re we supposed to get up there?” As though in answer to his question, the trapdoor suddenly opened,…

“Harry et Ron furent enchantés d’entendre Hagrid qualifier Rusard de « vieille ganache ».”

“Well, I can certainly see why we’re trying to keep them alive,” said Malfoy sarcastically. “Who wouldn’t want pets that can burn, sting, and…

“There was no waking from this nightmare, no comforting whisper in the dark that he was safe really, that it was all in his…

“Well, I reckon you should --" Ron began, but he was interrupted by the Fat Lady, who had been watching them sleepily and now…

“LOOK AT THIS SNAKE!”

“Potter! Weasley! What are you doing?” It was Professor McGonagall, and her mouth was the thinnest of thin lines. “We were — we were…

“Psst!” said a voice, and he looked around to see a wispy little witch and the ferrety wizard from Magical Maintenance gesturing to him…