Humor Quotes by Demetri Martin

To me, comedy is a game.

— Demetri Martin

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

— Demetri Martin

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

— Demetri Martin

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

— Demetri Martin

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

— Demetri Martin

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

— Demetri Martin

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

— Demetri Martin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

— Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

— Demetri Martin

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

— Demetri Martin

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

— Demetri Martin

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for…

— Demetri Martin

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians…

— Demetri Martin

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have…

— Demetri Martin

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play…

— Demetri Martin

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't…

— Demetri Martin

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.…

— Demetri Martin

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're…

— Demetri Martin

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And…

— Demetri Martin

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.…

— Demetri Martin

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to…

— Demetri Martin

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having…

— Demetri Martin

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at…

— Demetri Martin

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a…

— Demetri Martin

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever…

— Demetri Martin

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff…

— Demetri Martin

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.…

— Demetri Martin

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So…

— Demetri Martin

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.…

— Demetri Martin

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually…

— Demetri Martin

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a…

— Demetri Martin

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

— Demetri Martin

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like,…

— Demetri Martin

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying…

— Demetri Martin

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

— Demetri Martin

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

— Demetri Martin

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really…

— Demetri Martin

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or…

— Demetri Martin

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the…

— Demetri Martin

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

— Demetri Martin