Humor Quotes by Christopher Moore

My fans have great senses of humor and eat too much chocolate.

— Christopher Moore

“There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.”

— Christopher Moore

“There's always a bloody ghost.”

— Christopher Moore

“What do you want?" "Spain" "Fuck!”

— Christopher Moore

“Shoes off in the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus.”

— Christopher Moore

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

— Christopher Moore

“The two had been together since they were little girls, and so loved and hated each other like sisters.”

— Christopher Moore

“Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.”

— Christopher Moore

“I have followed my penis into hell and returned with the story.”

— Christopher Moore

“By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.”

— Christopher Moore

“I'm feeling full of tiny princes, bustling to get out into the world and start plotting against one another.”

— Christopher Moore

“You know, he doesn't have to be the only one bopped in the noggin when noggin-boppin' time rolls around.”

— Christopher Moore

“This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and…

— Christopher Moore

“But I have known many women--many women indeed, and it is in their nature to confound us, Othello. They are all by…

— Christopher Moore

“Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going…

— Christopher Moore

“You're the one with almost an MBA," Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash. "You should know what to do." "They…

— Christopher Moore

“That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information." "Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery…

— Christopher Moore

“You want broccoli?" asked Mrs. Korjev. "Is there orange broccoli?" Sophie asked. "Green broccoli is good for you, make you strong, like…

— Christopher Moore

“Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration--a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion…

— Christopher Moore

“Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel…

— Christopher Moore

“From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair…

— Christopher Moore

“At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a mayonnaise-jar lid. He bought them…

— Christopher Moore

“These dogs are not fighting." "Yes they are. Like the paintings we saw in the Louvre," said Lucien. "Gecko-Roman wrestling Father called…

— Christopher Moore

“Religion was supposed to be a matter of faith. Gods were not supposed to jump on your desk and snarl at you.…

— Christopher Moore

“My name," said Mr. Fresh. "Pardon?" Charlie stopped tying himself up. "I dress in mint green because of my first name. It's…

— Christopher Moore

“Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in…

— Christopher Moore

The fact that 'A Dirty Job' has comedy and supernatural horror in it, that both are woven in and out of it…

— Christopher Moore

“He, Jeff, and Troy Lee carried Super Soakers loaded with Grandma Lee's Vampire Cat Remedy, other Animals had garden sprayers slung on…

— Christopher Moore

“Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I…

— Christopher Moore

“In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by…

— Christopher Moore

“Everyone thinks that it was the big strong caveman who got the girl, and for the most part, that may have been…

— Christopher Moore

“Winter denial: therein lay the key to California Schadenfreude--the secret joy that the rest of the country feels at the misfortune of…

— Christopher Moore

“The Holy Mother has many faces, but you know it's her from her blue cloak. She is said to be the spirit…

— Christopher Moore

“One Monday, just for sport, Charlie grabbed an eggplant that a spectacularly wizened granny was going for, but instead of twisting it…

— Christopher Moore

“I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the…

— Christopher Moore

“He tapped into the Zen of ignorance, the enlightenment of absurdity.”

— Christopher Moore

“Look, you mad tart, I have a covenant with God, which is: I don't mention that he has stocked the world full…

— Christopher Moore

“A gentleman can't even discuss fucking philosophy without you puritanical twats casting judgmental glances at his tackle d'amore.”

— Christopher Moore

“Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.”

— Christopher Moore

“Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe.…

— Christopher Moore