Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.' — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a)… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
“Think about it... The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. No wonder they don't believe in evolution.” — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share
