I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? — Jackie Mason Copy Share
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives. — Jackie Mason Copy Share
Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton. — Jackie Mason Copy Share
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen. — Jackie Mason Copy Share
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why! — Jackie Mason Copy Share
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . .… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other… — Jackie Mason Copy Share
