What's a life when you can't do anything with it?

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

— Jack Handey

The amount you give isn't important. What matters is what that amount represents in terms of your life.

— Jim Rohn

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK…

— Jack Handey

I release all criticism. I only give out that which I wish to receive in return. My love and acceptance of others is mirrored…

— Louise Hay

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a…

— Jack Handey

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.…

— Anonymous

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

— Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

— Jack Handey

Be bold in your caring, and be bold in your dreaming.

— George H. W. Bush

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth…

— Jack Handey

The biggest battle in life is with yourself

— Dennis Prager

I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.

— Henry Ward Beecher

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing…

— Anonymous

I had always assumed that the right way to do it was to these engineers, put them in offices by themselves with doors that…

— Eric Schmidt

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy…

— Jack Handey