aye up lass, I ‘ad to crawl through t’Gobi Desert with…

“because Granny used a secret ingredient in all her cooking and that secret ingredient was lard.”

— Heide Goody

“Myra was less a helicopter parent than a helicopter gunship parent.”

— Heide Goody

“Decapitated. His genitals scooped out like, like…” “The worst Ben and Jerry’s flavour ever,”

— Heide Goody

“Mystical site thingy. You’re meant to wash an item of clothing in the well, hang it from the trees and it’ll cure whatever ails…

— Heide Goody

“He had decided that if he ever returned to his old job he would create a special level of hell, an enormous inescapable shop…

— Heide Goody

“Life is Meaningless and Everything Dies’.”

— Heide Goody

“Mr Bark!” she called again. “We’d like to talk about your fish porn collection.”

— Heide Goody

“One licence plate: Louisiana, Sportsman’s Paradise.”

— Heide Goody

“It only eats virgins. Their hearts specifically.”

— Heide Goody

“We need an alarm for the end of the world?”

— Heide Goody

“Morag read the thick gothic script on his upper arm "Carpe diem" "The thinking man's YOLO" he said”

— Heide Goody

“I don’t think anyone goes to Birmingham,”

— Heide Goody

“Women like that. Chores are their heroin.”

— Heide Goody

“He had a faint accent, not quite Eurovision, not quite Bond villain.”

— Heide Goody

“Just because you’re right, doesn’t mean you’re right. Truth and goodness do not prevail.” “But”

— Heide Goody