Robert Benchley

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

— Robert Benchley

You want to go easy on the suicide stuff - first thing you know, you'll ruin your health.

— Robert Benchley

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

— Robert Benchley

It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start.

— Robert Benchley

You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains.

— Robert Benchley

It was one of those plays in which all of the actors unfortunately enunciated very clearly.

— Robert Benchley

All laughter is a muscular rigidity spasmodically relieved by involuntary twitching.

— Robert Benchley

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

— Robert Benchley

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

— Robert Benchley

New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and…

— Robert Benchley

It is one of the most discouraging experiences I have ever had, not forgetting the time when I winked at the Queen…

— Robert Benchley

There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.

— Robert Benchley

I never liked bananas much anyway. Two-thirds of the way down even one banana I am willing to concede defeat smilingly and…

— Robert Benchley

I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open…

— Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent of wwriting, but I couldn't give up, because by the time,…

— Robert Benchley

I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and…

— Robert Benchley

I can't quite define my aversion to asking questions of strangers. From snatches of family battles which I have heard drifting up…

— Robert Benchley

The discovery of phobias by psychiatrists has done much to clear the atmosphere. Whereas in the old days a person would say:…

— Robert Benchley

I can remember the day when all that a professor was supposed to do was to mark "C minus" on students' examination…

— Robert Benchley

A child of three cannot raise its chubby fist to its mouth to remove a piece of carpet which it is through…

— Robert Benchley

There is something about saying Ok and hanging up the receiver with a bang that kids a man into feeling that he…

— Robert Benchley

The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as…

— Robert Benchley

I am both a public and a private school boy myself, having always changed schools just as the class in English in…

— Robert Benchley

A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the…

— Robert Benchley

Next we come to the bronchial buster, or the man (it is usually a man) who, being in the throes of a…

— Robert Benchley

I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk.

— Robert Benchley

Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called books

— Robert Benchley

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

— Robert Benchley

Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.

— Robert Benchley

If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.

— Robert Benchley

There are two ways to travel, first class or with children.

— Robert Benchley

Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800.

— Robert Benchley

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.

— Robert Benchley

Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.

— Robert Benchley

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

— Robert Benchley

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

— Robert Benchley

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

— Robert Benchley

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

— Robert Benchley

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

— Robert Benchley

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

— Robert Benchley