Joseph Heller

From men motivated by moral certitude, history teaches, no lasting good ever comes.

— Joseph Heller

For war there is always enough. It's peace that's expensive.

— Joseph Heller

“All you've got to do is lie there a few minutes and die a little.”

— Joseph Heller

“They think that they’re smart and that the rest of us are dumb.”

— Joseph Heller

The problem with the loneliness I suffer is that the company of others has never been a cure for it.

— Joseph Heller

mankind is resilient: the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow.

— Joseph Heller

“You pompous, rotund, neighborly, vacuous, complacent... - Yossarian”

— Joseph Heller

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

— Joseph Heller

The idea of using actual clippings came about as a way of characterizing Gold. Gold uses clippings because he hates doing research…

— Joseph Heller

I could not write about a subject sacred to me because I would be too flippant. Fortunately, there are no subjects sacred…

— Joseph Heller

“Clevinger was one of those people with lots of intelligence and no brains, and everyone knew it except those who soon found…

— Joseph Heller

“Gold was not sure of many things,but he was definite about one: for every successful person he knew,he could name at least…

— Joseph Heller

Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskoph had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times.

— Joseph Heller

I couldn't see much point in tying myself down to a middle-aged woman with four children, even though the woman was my…

— Joseph Heller

“...'You haven't got a chance kid,' he had told him glumly. 'They hate Jews.' 'But I'm not Jewish,' answered Clevinger. 'It will…

— Joseph Heller

“Darling, we’re going to have a baby again,’ she would say to her husband. I haven’t the time,’ Lieutenant Scheisskopf would grumble…

— Joseph Heller

“It was love at first sight. The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him. Yossarian was…

— Joseph Heller

“I've flown over seventy goddam combat missions. Don't talk to me about fighting to save my country. I've been fighting all along…

— Joseph Heller

I’m cold,' Snowden said softly, 'I’m cold.' 'You’re going to be all right, kid,' Yossarian reassured him with a grin. 'You’re going…

— Joseph Heller

“They began to invent humourless, glum jokes of their own and disastrous rumours about the destruction awaiting them at Bologna. Yossarian sidled…

— Joseph Heller

“Yossarian's attitude toward his roommates turned merciful and protective at the mere recollection of Captain Black. It was not their fault that…

— Joseph Heller

“Everyone was elated with this turn of events, most of all Colonel Cathcart, who was convinced he had won a feather in…

— Joseph Heller

“The dead man in Yossarian's tent was a pest, and Yossarian didn't like him, even though he had never seen him. Having…

— Joseph Heller

Catch-22 did not exist, he was positive of that, but it made no difference. What did matter was that everyone thought it…

— Joseph Heller

“It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar. What the hell does it mean when they disappear somebody?”

— Joseph Heller

It made him proud that 29 months in the service had not blunted his genius for ineptitude.

— Joseph Heller

“...You know, one good apple can spoil the rest,” Colonel Korn concluded with conscious irony.”

— Joseph Heller

Well then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?

— Joseph Heller

“They were the most depressing group of people Yossarian had ever been with. They were always in high spirits.”

— Joseph Heller

There are yawning gulfs into which large chunks of me have fallen. I do not always know where I am at present.

— Joseph Heller

Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.

— Joseph Heller

“Who is Spain? Why is Hitler? Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?”

— Joseph Heller

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.

— Joseph Heller

The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon.

— Joseph Heller

“War ... it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.”

— Joseph Heller

Remember that everyone deserves some fun during working hours.

— Joseph Heller

“I've always depended very heavily on the good opinion of others.”

— Joseph Heller

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

— Joseph Heller

“Bureaucracy, as Hannah Arendt defined it: the rule of nobody. Roll”

— Joseph Heller

Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours.

— Joseph Heller