Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame. — Greg Fitzsimmons Men Copy Share Image
Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters. — Greg Fitzsimmons Hipster Copy Share Image
The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
That is the thing about being a writer; your subject matter may not stay your subject matter if you break their trust… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry.… — Greg Fitzsimmons Career Copy Share Image
My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at… — Greg Fitzsimmons Dinner Copy Share Image
We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future? — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Since first hearing the story as a child, any mention of the 'Boston Tea Party' has elicited in me an excitement that… — Greg Fitzsimmons America Copy Share Image
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of… — Greg Fitzsimmons Clothes Copy Share Image
I realized that every second that I'm alive, the world cares less about me. It's just a very linear, downward progression. And… — Greg Fitzsimmons Alive Copy Share Image
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D.,… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that. — Greg Fitzsimmons Being Copy Share Image
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical. — Greg Fitzsimmons Christmas Copy Share Image
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops. — Greg Fitzsimmons Cop Copy Share Image
Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside. — Greg Fitzsimmons Dead inside Copy Share Image
If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good? — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries. — Greg Fitzsimmons Cold Copy Share Image
I'm sure people are shocked when they see a guy speeding and cutting them off and having road rage while in a… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
When I was in college, I would go out, and I would go to these open mic nights at Stitches and Nick's… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where… — Greg Fitzsimmons Country Copy Share Image
It's an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It's what we were bred… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it… — Greg Fitzsimmons Las vegas Copy Share Image
I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment.… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never… — Greg Fitzsimmons Copy Share Image
