Fran Lebowitz

If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.

— Fran Lebowitz

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

— Fran Lebowitz

Will power is not telling anybody you quit smoking.

— Fran Lebowitz

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

— Fran Lebowitz

I woke up at five o'clock in the morning with the whole first paragraph in my head. Now, this just shows what…

— Fran Lebowitz

I write a sentence a thousand times, changing it all the time to look at it in different ways.

— Fran Lebowitz

A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal…

— Fran Lebowitz

There are too many books. The books are terrible. And this is because you have been taught to have self-esteem.

— Fran Lebowitz

White grapes are very attractive but when it comes to dessert people generally like cake with icing.

— Fran Lebowitz

Writing is so hard. Why would you be a writer if you weren't really good at it? If you could be anything…

— Fran Lebowitz

Writers get exactly the right amount of fame: just enough to get a good table in a restaurant but not enough so…

— Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the…

— Fran Lebowitz

Contrary to what many of you may imagine, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks - chief among them the…

— Fran Lebowitz

When we were young, we knew things. We knew basic history, even as it related to fashion. Now, when something reappears, an…

— Fran Lebowitz

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave…

— Fran Lebowitz

I believe in talent. I know you're not supposed to believe in that anymore because you're supposed to believe if you just…

— Fran Lebowitz

When I was very little, say five or six, I became aware of the fact that people wrote books. Before that, I…

— Fran Lebowitz

Local television shows do not, in general, supply make-up artists. The exception to this is Los Angeles, an unusually generous city in…

— Fran Lebowitz

I happen to love a good run almost as much as sex. Like sex, there are often times I don't think I'm…

— Fran Lebowitz

The effect of AIDS was like a war in a minute country. Like, in World War I, a whole generation of Englishmen…

— Fran Lebowitz

New Yorkers, we've seen Donald Trump for, like, 30 years; we know who he is. So he wasn't a surprise to me.

— Fran Lebowitz

Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature.

— Fran Lebowitz

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

— Fran Lebowitz

Things that people will say to me, mostly, is that you shouldn't have all these books. It's too expensive.

— Fran Lebowitz

In Rome people spend most of their time having lunch. And they do it very well - Rome is unquestionably the lunch…

— Fran Lebowitz

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will…

— Fran Lebowitz

People elect the President for reasons that have nothing to do with his ability to be president.

— Fran Lebowitz

remember this: no matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.

— Fran Lebowitz

You sit or stand in the subway, and you look around - I do, because I don't have a phone so I'm…

— Fran Lebowitz

One [New York] eatery is a remodeled diner that looks like what Busby Berkeley would have done if only he hadn't had…

— Fran Lebowitz

It's very disheartening to encounter a fearful twenty-one year old. They haven't earned the right to be that afraid. It's not like…

— Fran Lebowitz

Smoking is, if not my life, then at least my hobby. I love to smoke. Smoking is fun. Smoking is cool. Smoking…

— Fran Lebowitz

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough…

— Fran Lebowitz

If there had been a job of being a reader, I would have taken that, because I love to read and I…

— Fran Lebowitz

Raisins are a thing that lasts, they come in small boxes, and you always feel like eating raisins, even at six in…

— Fran Lebowitz

To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire.

— Fran Lebowitz

I have the exact opposite problem of every writer I've ever met: Every writer I've ever met writes things that are too…

— Fran Lebowitz

Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in…

— Fran Lebowitz

I think one manifestation of integrity is holding a grudge. Saying no is a little different. Holding a grudge is the modern…

— Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that…

— Fran Lebowitz