I didn’t do it. It wasn’t me.

“Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny…

— Ivan Stoikov - Allan Bard

“Breathe! Breathe! I urged Lily. You can do this naturally. Fuck that. I want my epidural as soon as we get there.”

— Erica Orloff

“If you were smart," Genghis said, "you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends." "We never thought of that," Klaus said.…

— Lemony Snicket

“Now,” the Lopen said to her, “you gotta have two hands to properly crawl. I came up with my own version, sure, when I…

— Brandon Sanderson

“Yes, it’s true. I can now tell you where cups and plates are to be found in my own kitchen. I know it’s a…

— Rebecca L. Ethington

“YOU. GOT. FOOD. IN. MY. HAIR.”

— Stephenie Meyer

“Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.”

— Mark Watson

“I love religious nuts. They make me remember I have them too. So, being a health nut, I scratch them religiously. Just as I…

— Fakeer Ishavardas

“You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don't need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just…

— Kate Avery Ellison

“...and there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their…

— Malory Thomas Sir

“You have to learn which pose works best to enhance your bodies in your lingerie." My blank expression only pissed her off further. "It…

— Cecy Robson

“How funny.” I say flatly. “and I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.” His laugh fills the…

— K. Larsen

“Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out…

— Fakeer Ishavardas

“He's got the kind of body that could turn a nun into a whore.”

— Brooke Moss

“Now all I have to worry about is what might crawl out of the darkness to get me in the night.” “Yeah, well, I…

— Elle Parker