John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share
