By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year,… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. — Artie Lange Copy Share
It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy.… — Artie Lange Copy Share
It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out… — Artie Lange Copy Share
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of… — Artie Lange Copy Share
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota — Artie Lange Copy Share
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to… — Artie Lange Copy Share
By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long. — Artie Lange Copy Share
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a… — Artie Lange Copy Share
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off. — Artie Lange Copy Share
Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do… — Artie Lange Copy Share
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party. — Artie Lange Copy Share
It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs. — Artie Lange Copy Share
