Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards'… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there?… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ...… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think O.J. protests too much. Not only did he say he didn't carve the holiday turkey, but he was in the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share
