A holiday miracle would be still fitting into my clothes after the holidays. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each… — Johnny Carson Copy Share Image
This Christmas I've decided to put a mistletoe in my back pocket…so all the people I dont like can kiss my ass. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'd be much more into the office holiday party if my coworkers weren't invited. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm flattered you actually think I can afford the things on your holiday wish list. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for… — Shirley Temple Copy Share Image
Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it werent for Christmas, Wed all be Jewish. — Benny Hill Copy Share Image
Buying me a Christmas gift on Cyber Monday is a great way to ensure I'll have sex with you until Christmas. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you're sad about being single this holiday season, remember that even Kim Kardashian is unmarried 293 days a year. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Whether you're offended by me saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, take comfort in knowing I don't really mean either. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
