““The first New Year after they died felt like another betrayal -- we were leaving behind the last year in which they had lived, a year they had known, and starting on a year that they would never experience. There was also some confusion in my mind, in the months afterwards. It was not that I thought she was still alive. But at the same time I couldn't believe that she was actually gone. Suddenly the choice wasn't so simple: either alive or not alive. It was as though not being alive did not have to mean she was dead, as though there were some third possibility.””