Tom Lehrer

Don't drink the water and don't breathe the air!

— Tom Lehrer

Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things!

— Tom Lehrer

You cant be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.

— Tom Lehrer

If the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will.

— Tom Lehrer

“Life is like a sewer - you get out of it what you put into it.”

— Tom Lehrer

Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down?

— Tom Lehrer

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

— Tom Lehrer

I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them.

— Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

— Tom Lehrer

The reason most folksongs are so atrocious is that they were written by the people.

— Tom Lehrer

Don't solicit for your sister, it's not nice. Unless you get a good percentage of her price.

— Tom Lehrer

I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand.

— Tom Lehrer

We are the folk song army, every one of us cares. We all hate poverty, war, and injustice unlike the rest of…

— Tom Lehrer

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

— Tom Lehrer

Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think.

— Tom Lehrer

Oh we will all fry together when we fry. We'll be french fried potatoes by and by. There will be no more…

— Tom Lehrer

Once you've heard the joke, it's not funny anymore, but it's the way it's told. And I think that's the same with…

— Tom Lehrer

If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike…

— Tom Lehrer

All books can be indecent books, though recent books are bolder. For filth, I'm glad to say, is in the mind of…

— Tom Lehrer

My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song…

— Tom Lehrer

I recall this sergeant's informing me and my "room-mates" of this rather deplorable fact the army didn't have any official, excuse me,…

— Tom Lehrer

I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get…

— Tom Lehrer

I've heard it quoted that I was dead. You can't believe anything you read. That was just an off-hand remark somebody picked…

— Tom Lehrer

I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a…

— Tom Lehrer

If you visit American city, You will find it very pretty. Just two things of which you must beware: Don't drink the…

— Tom Lehrer

Soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife. Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. But as we…

— Tom Lehrer

Things are much more complicated. Feminism versus pornography, for example. There are a lot of feminists who think it is bad, but…

— Tom Lehrer

One of the things I'm proudest of is, on my record 'That Was the Year that Was' in 1965, I made a…

— Tom Lehrer

From the three, you then use one to make eight ones. You add those ones to the three, and you get one-three…

— Tom Lehrer

One of the problems I see with these comics on television, particularly cable television, is, since you can say anything in terms…

— Tom Lehrer

Eddie Izzard is wonderful, I think, but I've only seen that one HBO special he did. He's one of the few people…

— Tom Lehrer

But in the new (math) approach, the important thing is to understand what you're doing, rather than to get the right answer.

— Tom Lehrer

When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy…

— Tom Lehrer

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about…

— Tom Lehrer

They love us everywhere we go. So when in doubt, send the Marines.

— Tom Lehrer

If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.

— Tom Lehrer

The Lord's our shepherd, says the psalm. But just in case, we better get a bomb.

— Tom Lehrer

Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize.

— Tom Lehrer

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

— Tom Lehrer

I think that if people are having trouble communicating with one another, the least they can do is SHUT UP.

— Tom Lehrer