Jon Stewart

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see…

— Jon Stewart

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled…

— Jon Stewart

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward…

— Jon Stewart

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

— Jon Stewart

[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?

— Jon Stewart

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would…

— Jon Stewart

In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about…

— Jon Stewart

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

— Jon Stewart

Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd…

— Jon Stewart

Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator.' You can't…

— Jon Stewart

Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and…

— Jon Stewart

I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day…

— Jon Stewart

I think it's just about the machine is about reporting the news, and then reporting the news about the news, and then…

— Jon Stewart

America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless... but now the security…

— Jon Stewart

I think that, if we do anything in a positive sense for the world, is provide one little bit of context, that's…

— Jon Stewart

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military…

— Jon Stewart

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.

— Jon Stewart

Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your…

— Jon Stewart

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out…

— Jon Stewart

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

— Jon Stewart

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any…

— Jon Stewart

New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars…

— Jon Stewart

That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.

— Jon Stewart

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

— Jon Stewart

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

— Jon Stewart

Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!

— Jon Stewart

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

— Jon Stewart

Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war…

— Jon Stewart

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.

— Jon Stewart

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is…(seriously thinking about it)…%#@&!

— Jon Stewart

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

— Jon Stewart

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.

— Jon Stewart

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

— Jon Stewart

“Classroom Activities 1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas . Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia !”

— Jon Stewart

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of…

— Jon Stewart

“If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?”

— Jon Stewart

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the…

— Jon Stewart

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.

— Jon Stewart

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six…

— Jon Stewart

It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same…

— Jon Stewart