Dwight Schrute Quotes

30 quotes in 507 categories

• When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks…
• I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
• I dont care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.
• I dont believe you, continue.
• When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger…
• Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
• The eyes are the groin of the head.
• My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man.
• Before I do anything I ask myself Would an idiot do that? And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.
• You know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.
• Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you dont hear about is the many…
• There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule 17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears,…
• I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
• Would I ever leave this company? Look, Im all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what Im being paid for here is…
• How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammermercilessinsatiable
• I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongooseand a panther.
• The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition wont receive the care they need because someone in this office…
• I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens…
• Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my…
• Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

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