“I dont belong here Right now there is only one thing in my life that I am sure of and that is that I dont belong here. I am an impostor in my own life. I laugh, smile, act happy but that is all it is, an act. Deep down I know that all I do is just for nothing. My life feels hopeless. I dont belong here and Ive never done. In the beginning I thought so but seeing the world gave me perspective and where I am right now is holding me back from being me. That is all I want, I just want to be me. I cant tough because what ever I do here it doesnt feel right. Its like I was born in a box. As I grow as person, by experience and by feelings the box stays the same size. Now I have reached the point that I dont fit in this box anymore. Its taking up all my time trying to get out and while doing this I miss to live life. I need to be somewhere else where I can feel free. I dont belong here and it becomes clearer the more time passes. Now I know for sure that I wasnt meant to be here, I belong in China. China is my second home. It might sound crazy or even weird but its how I feel. While being there I grew so much and now when Im back in this shithole I cant stand it anymore. Before it was all I knew but gosh I was so naive. During the years I spent in china I really found myself. I had to let go of all I knew and all the things I used to like, to really find myself. Now when Im back in this shithole it feels like I lose myself more and more for each day that go by. My life is falling apart because I let go of everything I use to know to find myself in a foreign country and now having to return to all that you let go; its hard as hell. No one gets me, but how can I aspect them to when all they know is this. My life feels pointless right now and I dont see a way out. I just wish that I had more self-esteem to stand up and make a difference but instead Im sitting here writing down my feeling on a piece of paper that no one but me will ever read. I just wish I were stronger; maybe I will be some day. If so it will be somewhere I feel free to speak my mind and not being afraid of what people will think of me. Where I dont walk around feeling ashamed for being me and where I can really let lose. I dont belong here no more and Im scared that if it goes to long I wont feel like I belong there either. Im afraid that if that happens I wont be able to cope with it. Losing one life and gaining another one is ok but then losing the other one too I would not know what to do. I just hope that if that happens I will feel good enough to actually care what happens and to survive it. Because right now Im not so sure I would.”
