Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.” — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
