A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind.… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll… — Dana Gould Copy Share
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched. — Dana Gould Copy Share
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about… — Dana Gould Copy Share
