If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
“Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday'… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
