I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
