Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, "You've got one year… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
