I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
