President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England". — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
When President Chirac gave [President] Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower... Bush said 'This is great! A little oil rig!' — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
This week the White House proposed fingerprinting and photographing foreign visitors so they can do background checks. Officials in Saudi Arabia said… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
As we watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation hearings, all of the commentators said the same thing: 'One of these people… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The CEO of Enron, Jeffrey Skilling, married one of the Enron secretaries this week. It's amazing how romantic these Enron guys can… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. So… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37%… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
When they said "Make love, not war" at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton said she hopes America is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. That was the great thing about her… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'Id like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends… — Jay Leno Copy Share
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't… — Jay Leno Copy Share
“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.… — Jay Leno Copy Share
American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade… — Jay Leno Copy Share
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just… — Jay Leno Copy Share
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. — Jay Leno Copy Share
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet… — Jay Leno Copy Share
The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out… — Jay Leno Copy Share
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