People Quotes by Demetri Martin

Most stick people are black.

— Demetri Martin

People only have so much attention.

— Demetri Martin

I like people, for a little while.

— Demetri Martin

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

— Demetri Martin

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

— Demetri Martin

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

— Demetri Martin

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

— Demetri Martin

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

— Demetri Martin

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

— Demetri Martin

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

— Demetri Martin

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video…

— Demetri Martin

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to…

— Demetri Martin

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you…

— Demetri Martin

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just…

— Demetri Martin

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's…

— Demetri Martin

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

— Demetri Martin

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and…

— Demetri Martin

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need…

— Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were…

— Demetri Martin

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me…

— Demetri Martin

When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because…

— Demetri Martin

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as…

— Demetri Martin

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new…

— Demetri Martin

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever…

— Demetri Martin

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics…

— Demetri Martin

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which…

— Demetri Martin

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature…

— Demetri Martin

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

— Demetri Martin

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

— Demetri Martin

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

— Demetri Martin

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

— Demetri Martin

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

— Demetri Martin

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

— Demetri Martin

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

— Demetri Martin

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

— Demetri Martin

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

— Demetri Martin

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's…

— Demetri Martin

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And…

— Demetri Martin

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

— Demetri Martin

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

— Demetri Martin