People Quotes by Conan O'Brien

They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.

— Conan O'Brien

In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?

— Conan O'Brien

I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.

— Conan O'Brien

I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.

— Conan O'Brien

If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

— Conan O'Brien

California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.

— Conan O'Brien

People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.

— Conan O'Brien

People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, 'Trust me, I…

— Conan O'Brien

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a…

— Conan O'Brien

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of…

— Conan O'Brien

Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making…

— Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy's to promote his new line of fragrances and business suits. Unfortunately, there…

— Conan O'Brien

People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we…

— Conan O'Brien

In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them…

— Conan O'Brien

I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it's very nice to be…

— Conan O'Brien

Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've…

— Conan O'Brien

People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I…

— Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For…

— Conan O'Brien

All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for…

— Conan O'Brien

This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France.…

— Conan O'Brien

Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said…

— Conan O'Brien

People are already talking about the next presidential election. There's stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a…

— Conan O'Brien

Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So…

— Conan O'Brien

Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people…

— Conan O'Brien

Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's…

— Conan O'Brien

The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare - which is odd because most people won't eat…

— Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was…

— Conan O'Brien

McDonald's released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of…

— Conan O'Brien

People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a…

— Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, 'When I announced I was running for president,…

— Conan O'Brien

Indiana's governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is…

— Conan O'Brien

A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer…

— Conan O'Brien

Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan…

— Conan O'Brien

Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured…

— Conan O'Brien

The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do…

— Conan O'Brien

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's…

— Conan O'Brien

This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in…

— Conan O'Brien

According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That's right, the economy…

— Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine…

— Conan O'Brien

On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with -…

— Conan O'Brien