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News Quotes by Jay Leno

40 News quotes by Jay Leno

All News quotes Jay Leno’s page

Jay Leno mixes good and bad news in his jokes about current events. He says the stock market being closed is good news, while a president’s pet dying is sad news. He also jokes about planes letting people call and about a future supercontinent forming.

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It's always bad news when you kill your date

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The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.

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Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'

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According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news is, when they do…

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The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going…

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Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's…

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The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.

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And some sad news... the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited…

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The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia,…

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Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been…

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Here's the latest from the Pentagon -- the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to…

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Here's some exciting news - according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for…

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According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin…

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An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is…

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The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls…

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There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they…

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In a groundbreaking move, the Associated Press, the largest news-gathering organization in the World, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant'.…

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I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut…

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Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning…

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John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of…

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The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the…

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In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war…

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Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

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The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was…

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Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?

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More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one…

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But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less…

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The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the…

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Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you…

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The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was…

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According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The…

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I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on…

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They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and…

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The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember…

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The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good…

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According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the…

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In business news, chocolate maker nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says it all you need to know about the war…

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Apparently 26 years ago, Arnold gave an interview to Oui magazine about his sex life. The good news is that Arnold is…

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Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward…

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Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the…

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More by Jay Leno

If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends…

Michael Jackson has a new baby boy; no word yet who the father is.

There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't…

“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn…

Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.…

American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade…

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet…

Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just…

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet…

The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of…

Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have…

Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going…

Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out…

Jay Leno Quotes About:

President Quotes 197
Trump Quotes 163
Said Quotes 140
Knows Quotes 110
Ifs Quotes 109
People Quotes 107
Today Quotes 83
President bush Quotes 77
Thinking Quotes 73
President obama Quotes 67