I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
