I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share
