John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats? — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.'… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The big winner last night in New Hampshire - Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Halloween's coming. Kids get very imaginative in my neighborhood. Last year, three kids showed up as Goldman Sachs executives and demanded 4.5… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The United States military is now using the music of Metallica and other heavy metal bands to break the will of Saddam… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol ? [thundering applause] Okay, there you… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Last night, we had the first gubernatorial debate. Some people are criticizing Schwarzenegger for not going. They say Arnold goes around telling… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Rick Perry was philosophical about (his election losses). He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
They say that most airline seats on planes today are meant for 170-pound passengers. The last time the average American weighed 170… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends… — Jay Leno Copy Share
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't… — Jay Leno Copy Share
“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.… — Jay Leno Copy Share
American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade… — Jay Leno Copy Share
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just… — Jay Leno Copy Share
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. — Jay Leno Copy Share
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet… — Jay Leno Copy Share
The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out… — Jay Leno Copy Share
![“How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol ? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.” quote by Jay Leno](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bcd/jay-leno-210_american-idol_how-many-watched-the-president-s-speech_2729344.png)
