Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share Image
Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate. — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is… — Greg Giraldo Copy Share
