You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father? — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there’s no guarantee... But you know… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The American people, or at least the ones that I get on the subway with - they know there's a real threat… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The view... from my apartment... was the World Trade Center... and now it's gone, they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about, and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The frustration of our [The Daily] show is- very much outside any parameters of the media or the government. We don't have… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It's Romney's inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since...… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You guys (Boko Haram) are trying so hard to convince everybody that you're such badasses. But all you've done with this kidnapping… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I think that's why they're so really - here's the disconnect. It's sort of this odd and I've always had this problem… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
On a more personal note we in this country we have a very tragic situation occur at one of our universities and,… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush)… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty! — Jon Stewart Copy Share
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.'… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't… — Jon Stewart Copy Share
![“It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/12d/jon-stewart-455_destroy_it-s-nice-to-know-that-god-can-destroy-u_2722806.jpg)
![“[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/639/jon-stewart-455_24-hours_cnn-usa-today-they-ve-got-24-hours-to-fi_2516478.jpg)
![“The frustration of our [The Daily] show is- very much outside any parameters of the media or the government. We don't have access to these people, we don't have access. We don't go to dinners we don't have cocktail parties. We don't you know, you've seen what happens when one of us ends up at the…” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/2cc/jon-stewart-455_access_the-frustration-of-our-the-daily-show-is_3100466.jpg)
![“I think that's why they're so really - here's the disconnect. It's sort of this odd and I've always had this problem with the rationality of it. That the President [George W.Bush] says, "We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to…” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5dd/jon-stewart-455_baghdad_i-think-that-s-why-they-re-so-really-her_1190718.jpg)
![“[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/7b5/jon-stewart-455_democracy_if-president-bush-is-right-about-democra_2094054.jpg)
![“Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.” quote by Jon Stewart](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/5ff/jon-stewart-455_barack_everybody-thought-barack-obama-was-going_738803.jpg)
